One minute I was living life with the "normal" list of silly inconveniences. Over slept, car broke down, my order was wrong at the fast food drive through.... Although, I've always lived life shrugging those things off with a "eghhh, it could be worse" mindset, nothing would compare to the ongoing tornado that turned out lives upside down. The next minute, I would hear "Your son will die". Within literally the seconds it took for those words to be said, It. Got. Worse.
I would've taken a million of those silly inconveniences over those words. My heart, my hopes, and my dreams were shattered into. My screams haunted those hospital hallways. The next few months were filled with numbness.
When you beg for your baby boy to die before he comes into this world, for then he wouldn't have to suffer. That is feeling like no other. An abnormal and haunting prayer for any mother to have... Knowing his one and only way to live and breathe was me, was terrifying. There was no fairness... How could our boy, our Ezra, have been dealt those cards?
Ezra was growing, he seemed to be thriving, and with that, I had hope. Those days I would battle with a back and forth of "he will survive, he will be a fighter, we will show the world"... Then back to the reality of those horrific words of "your son will die"
5 months of living our lives on eggshells not knowing what will happen day by day, we receive a phone call. My father n law had passed away. It kept getting worse. Trying to hold and comfort my husband all while he was doing the same for me. I remember him sitting at the table, me running my hand down his back, the feeling of him trimble as the tears fell from his eyes. There was a feeling of helplessness. A hurt for him that he tried to hold back because of the strength he was showing for me. We were shattered.
10 days later, Ezra died in our arms.. I was filled with numbness, paralyzed into limbo, then shot back into the real world.
The same year, the company my husband worked for closed after 30 years. It was at no fault of anyone. They just simply could not keep a float in the economy. As embarrassing and shamefully feeling, as it was, we had no other choice than Bankruptcy. We went bankrupt.
There were so many days that I could not be "myself". It's felt as if I was drug right through the pits of Hell. But good grief did our living children and my husband diserve to have me back! I could not allow their lives to be consumed with the aftermath of death. Any since of normalicy they they could get, they more than deserve. There were so many days spent with me battling wanting to be with Ezra and wanting to be here on earth with my living babies.
The grief never ends. It never gets better. My biggest prayer for others that are in similar shoes, is that they take the time to give themselves grace and fall back to being able to embrace life again.
I will forever be changed. Some days , I miss the old me. I miss the bliss of the ignorance that I once had before the suffering and death of our Ezra. But what I have learned over the past two years is to be patient with myself, to flow with whatever emotions I have for that moment. There is no holding them back because they will consume you... I know that my family needs as much of me that I can give. I love them dearly and I never want them to feel otherwise.
In what seemed in the blink of an eye, over the course of just one year, we lost almost everything. Clinging together, myself, my husband, and our living children, I must say that love does conquer.
Art plays a tremendous part of my daily healing. I've been this way for as long as I can remember but even more so now, it is a necessity for my well-being.
I know what it is like for your world to collapse and my hopes is to help spread joy with art so that others know they are not alone in this world. I want others to know that they can cope in healthy ways.
I can't believe how far Art In Pajamas has come. I will forever be grateful. In so many ways, you guys have changed my life.
To be able to shine light on just one person in honor of my Ezra, to let them realize that they are capable, that any effort they put in is worth it, that they are worth it.... That was my goal and you guys have helped achieve that plus many more things... All while... Painting in color.
Who knows where this crazy ride will lead us minute to minute... All we can do is hold on and give it all we got. We're really in this together.