Light That Candle

Light the candle... You know, that good one you received as a gift or that one you splurged on for yourself because the smell was just too amazing to pass up. If you are like me, you have been hoarding them and "saving" them... But saving them for what..?

Last week before one of our classes, I glanced at a candle that I had received as a gift. Still all fresh, just sitting there collecting dust and if I would've kept on like I always do, it would be there for years. I lit it, my room filled with the scent of roses and a touch of mint. What was I waiting for!? A better day? Company to come over so that I could hide the stench of my poodle and maybe what I had burnt for dinner? The lights to go out?... No time was actually better than that one moment then. Just to simply enjoy it.

Not long after Ezra died, there was a story of a momma whale who had lost her baby. She "mothered" her dead baby for days carrying it's lifeless body across the sea so that it wouldn't sink to the bottom. She wasn't ready to let it go. The female whales in her pod followed her along her journey helping carry her baby when she grew tired.

Hundreds of miles later, she finally had to "let go".

Days in that hospital room I "mothered" my Ezra's lifeless little body. I could not "let him go". I swaddled him, I sang to him, I brushed his hair, I talked to him, I kissed him, I slept with him by my side, I made sure he was wrapped in his blanket so he wouldn't "get cold". I took in all of the time that I could to be his mommy and although some may have saw that to be morbid, it was natural to me. I kept him as long as I could. The day the funeral home came to get him, I screamed on my knees in that bed until I couldn't breath, begging them to take me with him. I had to "let him go".