Here we are again. There are still days that I close my eyes and the flashbacks are there. I thought this year I could slide by without my heart feeling like it had been jerked out. My mind just wont let me. My heart will always be missing a part.
I never would've imagined I would be answering questions about funeral planning for my child. I never want anyone to even have their mind go there, more less live it. Funeral planning for my boy as he is very well alive! The fog, I believe, was my bodys way of coping. I was pretty much a shell. I felt him. Every little movement all while I was trying to agree to his headstone. A tiny glimmer of hope would shine through. In my heart, I wanted to believe that this was him telling me "I'm okay, momma".
I would go into this coma like trance every time he moved. I would just place my hand on my belly, hoping he could feel me too.
I would quickly snap out of that fairly tale and be brought back to reality that my boy could not survive this earth without me. Literally... I was his only lifeline. Knowing the day that you bring your child into this world will also be the day they possibly leave. That is hard. I would wake in the morning sobbing so hard and when alone I would scream. Every single day I woke in this nightmare to realize... this is real life. For 5 months, this was our lives.
Today, not only do the physical scars on my body remind me of that day I gave him life only to be taken.... but still when I close my eyes, I see myself looking into Phillip's eyes, my body jerking, that tiny cry of our boy, and me asking if he can see him over and over and over, us holding him and watching him take his very last little breath. . .
I look back and I ask myself.. how on earth did I really survive this!? Some days I feel as if I didn't, as if I'm floating around, just trying to get by. Hiding from anyone so that I will not be a burden. 3 years and I'm still learning how to live and be broken.
I remember people saying "why would God do this!?" "Why are you not angry!?".
I am no better than anyone else in this world. None of us are guaranteed golden ticket in life. In a split second our whole lives can be changed.
Phillip and I discussed and I came to a realization at that point that God does not make things happen in our lives. God would never put any trials in us. What he does promise, is that he will be with us every step of the way. Weeping as we do, hurting as we do. What we have to do, is let him be by our side.
I'm immensely grateful that Ezra didn't live a life of suffering. I'm beyond grateful that our living children are healthy and doing well. They keep us going. This will be something that is never taken for granted. I'm very grateful for the heart touching messages that Ezra's story helped change their lives in some way.
Tomorrow is Ezra's Day. A celebration of his birth and his beautiful life. I sure wish you were here to celebrate with us, my baby bunny. 💙
I have learned that a broken heart and being blessed can co exist.